Something Terrible Happened
I'm not sure exactly how to start this post, but I know it needs to be written. I don't want to forget this experience even though it feels so painful.
Last week, I was a little over 4 weeks along and my prenatal vitamins came in the mail. I was diligently making a pregnancy test chart to compare the darkness of the test lines from the day before. I was feeling so much better than I did before our pregnancy loss last year (the second line was visible for a day and then the line disappeared and my cycle started soon after) since the test line was clearly visible, even from an arms length away. The day after I started my vitamins, I noticed that my nausea had basically gone away, something I was thrilled about since I hate feeling sick like that. My skin started breaking out worse than it had all week and I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. We had my in-laws over for Mother's Day and just before we started cooking up S'mores, I felt a wave of depression hit me.
I became severely depressed last fall (to the point of having intense dark thoughts and the need to be medicated right away) and I put that on our chemical pregnancy last year. I've been able to lower my dosage but I am familiar with the wave of darkness that can consume you in an instant, even when you're having a good time. I thought it was, again, pregnancy hormones since I didn't have MDD during either of my pregnancies before and I made a mental note to contact my Nurse Practitioner if the black hole wouldn't let me go.
I woke up the next morning, went off to the bathroom and saw the last thing a pregnant woman wants to see. Blood.
I stood there in shock for a minute before putting my bathrobe on. Josh called me from outside the bathroom, telling me that one of the boys needed to use it. I moistened my lips, closed my eyes, and told him quietly what I'd just found. He came in and saw it too and I told him I would be calling my OBGYN's office as soon as they opened.
Josh still needed to go to work so off he went. My son's still needed breakfast and lessons, but I skipped the latter. I avoided using the restroom, trying to avoid the one thing I'd been praying wouldn't happen, not again. Not in my first pregnancy since our first loss. Two in a row, I thought.
With my OCD, I latch onto subjects and can become well versed in them very quickly. In the middle of last week, I was researching miscarriage statistics. I saw one that stuck out. Only 2% of women will have two pregnancy losses back to back. At first I thought that was low, but I then realized what that meant...
Out of 100 women, statistically, two of them will have back to back miscarriages. That means two women will be devastated after already having a loss under her belt.
My sister-in-law was luckily able to watch my boys at the last minute and I raced off to the OB's office. Thankfully the office is two minutes from my house so I arrived quickly. I filled out a sheet at the front desk and then was sent down to the imaging lab for an ultrasound. I was the first person of the day so I didn't need to wait at all before being sent to a room. I waited patiently on the exam table, covered by a sheet. The ultrasound tech came back in and we started the ultrasound. I felt my heart being squeezed tight like a vice as I watched the screen, hoping, praying, to see something... anything...
"I'm not seeing anything, Hun." The tech said. Her face was a combination of comfort for me, but concern at the same time. She checked for signs of an ectopic pregnancy and thankfully found nothing. After doing one last sweep to make sure, she shut the machine off and instructed me to get dressed again and take the paperwork she was about to write up back upstairs for the nurse to go over with me. I thanked her and she was gone.
Not even a second after the door clicked shut, I pulled my cap's bill over my face and started to sob. It started quietly, but the squeezing feeling that enveloped my heart moved up to the top of my throat, stifling any other noise that tried to escape.
The hardest part about the visit was going back upstairs to the office. I gave the receptionist the paperwork from the tech, and took a seat. There were four other women there, three pregnant and one a brand new mom. The new mom played on her phone, as did one of the pregnant women, the second pregnant woman sat with her daughter and they talked quietly and the last one was walking around the office, I'm assuming very late into her pregnancy, trying to ease the pain she was in from being so big.
I held my own hands tight, willing myself not to cry in front of all of these people, but I felt unable to not be critical. I saw in the room where four other women had what I so desperately wanted. I felt so hollow, realizing I'd missed out on feeling baby kick, seeing baby move on the ultrasound screen halfway through, choosing a baby name (and getting to argue with Josh about it), seeing my baby enter the world and being put on my chest for the first time and being to finally kiss them for the first time... it all was stripped away from me.
I was called back by a nurse and she took me to the nurses station, sitting me down in a chair and handing me a box of tissues. She told me that the ultrasound tech didn't find anything and that I needed a blood test to confirm that I was in fact miscarrying. This was the point where I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. She put a hand on my shoulder and apologized to me, but I couldn't stop apologizing silently to my baby. I mowed over everything I'd done in the past week that may have caused it before remembering that the majority of miscarriages are due to a chromosomal abnormality, something I have no control over. This brought me a sliver of peace I clung to.
The nurse took me to the blood draw station and I did my best to make small talk to avoid crying more. And then I was off back home. I passed a few people as I left the building, my eyes brimming with fresh tears, and I got into my car. I rolled down the windows of my little Cube and as soon as I left the parking lot, I turned up the music as loud as I could handle. The wind rushed past my hair and tears flowed down my cheeks behind my sunglasses.
I think I was still denying it in my heart until yesterday evening. I didn't cry much, I just felt as though my emotions were being dampened. I cleaned my house to push out the mental noise filling my head.
After I fed my boys dinner last night and waited for Josh to get home. The boys were playing and being nice to each other but I felt the black hole sucking me back in with a force I'd forgotten. I got Lincoln and Noah ready for bed in record time, and huddled on the couch with my phone while they spent time in their room, definitely not in bed but not fighting so I decided I didn't care to put them back under their covers.
Josh brought me Chick-Fil-A and we watched more of an anime we'd started watching over the weekend, Children of the Whales on Netflix. I didn't eat half of my food before leaning on my husband. I don't know why I did, but I started crying yet again and Josh pulled me in close, holding my hand and asking if I was okay. When I shook my head, he held me tighter and we finished the episode.
When we first found out we were pregnant on the 3rd, Josh wasn't sure if we should share the news so soon since we lost our last baby only a few days after knowing it was there. I agreed with him at first but remembered one of the reasons I fell into depression last year was because I kept the loss to myself. I didn't tell anyone except my mom and sister. I felt incredibly isolated. I became bitter toward the Lord for taking my baby away from me. I stopped praying and avoided going to church. It took me months to finally lay all of my sorrows in front of God and beg him to make the burden lighter.
As devastating this has been, I'm so glad I've chosen to break social norms and come forward about this baby. I've received so much support from friends and family, I don't feel like I'm going to drown in the depths of depression. I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many lovely people.
I'm also grateful for the Lord's hand in this whole thing. I have felt such comfort from the spirit.
This situation is nothing I would have ever hoped for or wish on anyone, but it's reminded me how wonderful those around me are and showed me God's grace in my life again.
Most importantly, though, I want to celebrate the life that I harbored for such a short time. Every child is a gift, no matter how small they are before they leave us.
Mackenzie
Last week, I was a little over 4 weeks along and my prenatal vitamins came in the mail. I was diligently making a pregnancy test chart to compare the darkness of the test lines from the day before. I was feeling so much better than I did before our pregnancy loss last year (the second line was visible for a day and then the line disappeared and my cycle started soon after) since the test line was clearly visible, even from an arms length away. The day after I started my vitamins, I noticed that my nausea had basically gone away, something I was thrilled about since I hate feeling sick like that. My skin started breaking out worse than it had all week and I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. We had my in-laws over for Mother's Day and just before we started cooking up S'mores, I felt a wave of depression hit me.
I became severely depressed last fall (to the point of having intense dark thoughts and the need to be medicated right away) and I put that on our chemical pregnancy last year. I've been able to lower my dosage but I am familiar with the wave of darkness that can consume you in an instant, even when you're having a good time. I thought it was, again, pregnancy hormones since I didn't have MDD during either of my pregnancies before and I made a mental note to contact my Nurse Practitioner if the black hole wouldn't let me go.
I woke up the next morning, went off to the bathroom and saw the last thing a pregnant woman wants to see. Blood.
I stood there in shock for a minute before putting my bathrobe on. Josh called me from outside the bathroom, telling me that one of the boys needed to use it. I moistened my lips, closed my eyes, and told him quietly what I'd just found. He came in and saw it too and I told him I would be calling my OBGYN's office as soon as they opened.
Josh still needed to go to work so off he went. My son's still needed breakfast and lessons, but I skipped the latter. I avoided using the restroom, trying to avoid the one thing I'd been praying wouldn't happen, not again. Not in my first pregnancy since our first loss. Two in a row, I thought.
With my OCD, I latch onto subjects and can become well versed in them very quickly. In the middle of last week, I was researching miscarriage statistics. I saw one that stuck out. Only 2% of women will have two pregnancy losses back to back. At first I thought that was low, but I then realized what that meant...
Out of 100 women, statistically, two of them will have back to back miscarriages. That means two women will be devastated after already having a loss under her belt.
My sister-in-law was luckily able to watch my boys at the last minute and I raced off to the OB's office. Thankfully the office is two minutes from my house so I arrived quickly. I filled out a sheet at the front desk and then was sent down to the imaging lab for an ultrasound. I was the first person of the day so I didn't need to wait at all before being sent to a room. I waited patiently on the exam table, covered by a sheet. The ultrasound tech came back in and we started the ultrasound. I felt my heart being squeezed tight like a vice as I watched the screen, hoping, praying, to see something... anything...
"I'm not seeing anything, Hun." The tech said. Her face was a combination of comfort for me, but concern at the same time. She checked for signs of an ectopic pregnancy and thankfully found nothing. After doing one last sweep to make sure, she shut the machine off and instructed me to get dressed again and take the paperwork she was about to write up back upstairs for the nurse to go over with me. I thanked her and she was gone.
Not even a second after the door clicked shut, I pulled my cap's bill over my face and started to sob. It started quietly, but the squeezing feeling that enveloped my heart moved up to the top of my throat, stifling any other noise that tried to escape.
The hardest part about the visit was going back upstairs to the office. I gave the receptionist the paperwork from the tech, and took a seat. There were four other women there, three pregnant and one a brand new mom. The new mom played on her phone, as did one of the pregnant women, the second pregnant woman sat with her daughter and they talked quietly and the last one was walking around the office, I'm assuming very late into her pregnancy, trying to ease the pain she was in from being so big.
I held my own hands tight, willing myself not to cry in front of all of these people, but I felt unable to not be critical. I saw in the room where four other women had what I so desperately wanted. I felt so hollow, realizing I'd missed out on feeling baby kick, seeing baby move on the ultrasound screen halfway through, choosing a baby name (and getting to argue with Josh about it), seeing my baby enter the world and being put on my chest for the first time and being to finally kiss them for the first time... it all was stripped away from me.
I was called back by a nurse and she took me to the nurses station, sitting me down in a chair and handing me a box of tissues. She told me that the ultrasound tech didn't find anything and that I needed a blood test to confirm that I was in fact miscarrying. This was the point where I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. She put a hand on my shoulder and apologized to me, but I couldn't stop apologizing silently to my baby. I mowed over everything I'd done in the past week that may have caused it before remembering that the majority of miscarriages are due to a chromosomal abnormality, something I have no control over. This brought me a sliver of peace I clung to.
The nurse took me to the blood draw station and I did my best to make small talk to avoid crying more. And then I was off back home. I passed a few people as I left the building, my eyes brimming with fresh tears, and I got into my car. I rolled down the windows of my little Cube and as soon as I left the parking lot, I turned up the music as loud as I could handle. The wind rushed past my hair and tears flowed down my cheeks behind my sunglasses.
I think I was still denying it in my heart until yesterday evening. I didn't cry much, I just felt as though my emotions were being dampened. I cleaned my house to push out the mental noise filling my head.
After I fed my boys dinner last night and waited for Josh to get home. The boys were playing and being nice to each other but I felt the black hole sucking me back in with a force I'd forgotten. I got Lincoln and Noah ready for bed in record time, and huddled on the couch with my phone while they spent time in their room, definitely not in bed but not fighting so I decided I didn't care to put them back under their covers.
Josh brought me Chick-Fil-A and we watched more of an anime we'd started watching over the weekend, Children of the Whales on Netflix. I didn't eat half of my food before leaning on my husband. I don't know why I did, but I started crying yet again and Josh pulled me in close, holding my hand and asking if I was okay. When I shook my head, he held me tighter and we finished the episode.
When we first found out we were pregnant on the 3rd, Josh wasn't sure if we should share the news so soon since we lost our last baby only a few days after knowing it was there. I agreed with him at first but remembered one of the reasons I fell into depression last year was because I kept the loss to myself. I didn't tell anyone except my mom and sister. I felt incredibly isolated. I became bitter toward the Lord for taking my baby away from me. I stopped praying and avoided going to church. It took me months to finally lay all of my sorrows in front of God and beg him to make the burden lighter.
As devastating this has been, I'm so glad I've chosen to break social norms and come forward about this baby. I've received so much support from friends and family, I don't feel like I'm going to drown in the depths of depression. I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many lovely people.
I'm also grateful for the Lord's hand in this whole thing. I have felt such comfort from the spirit.
This situation is nothing I would have ever hoped for or wish on anyone, but it's reminded me how wonderful those around me are and showed me God's grace in my life again.
Most importantly, though, I want to celebrate the life that I harbored for such a short time. Every child is a gift, no matter how small they are before they leave us.
Mackenzie
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